Day with family

Today my Dad and friend and I went to a local amusement park. It rained in the morning but then cleared up- we didn’t have much time there, but it was a good day. I’m glad to spend the time with them- I’m moving back home to Downingtown in October.

I’ve been doing a lot of self-exploration lately. I’m also feeling the tug to get back into my spiritual work. It took a big drop off after my break with the College, but it’s definitely missing from my life.

Things are a bit topsy-turvy right now. I’m hoping to have a new “normal” before too long.

 

July Fourth

I was at my dad’s again this weekend, we had a great time! (I did remember to bring my sun/flower necklace to wear on Sunday this time.) On Friday we saw Transformers II and fireworks, Saturday I had some time to hang out with my cousin and aunt who I don’t see very often.

Right now I’m really focused on ‘home’ right now- with a little luck (ie: if the psychiatrist doesn’t drop a bombshell next Wednesday) I’ll be moving back to Downingtown- back ‘home’- in a few months. Woo hoo!

 

I’m back?

Well, I’ve been missing my creativity for a long while now- but thanks to a new digital camera (a splurge, but I don’t regret it one bit!) I’m making a huge comeback. I took over 70 pictures on Thursday.

Wandering through the woods taking pictures is really cathartic, and I got some GREAT shots. I’m so proud of myself- and so happy with some of  them that I just printed a couple out today to hang in my room.

Today I spent an hour or so driving aimlessly, I also took a couple more pictures- I only kept a few of them, but I got one of a snake and a few of a bat that was (for some  reason) out in the daytime. I’m surprised how well the pictures of the bat came out, since it was flying.

I’ve been doing a bit of thinking lately, about life, and about appreciating what you have. I’ve for a long time wanted to move out on my own, but I realized that I’m so desperate to get out of here (instead of enjoying the freedom I have because I am financially secure) because I’m basing my self worth on my living situation- which is extraordinarily silly when I see it written out like that. If I could be financially secure and living decently on my own I would be- but I’m making very little and in this economy, I can’t even realistically count on that- so I’m still living with my mom and hoping that things will fall into place soon for me to move out. But really, she’s not a bad person at all to live with- and I have no reason to be unhappy  other than I seem to think that, for some reason, being here as opposed to in my own place makes me somehow less worthy as a person. Which is utter BS, of course- if I’m really ‘not worthy as a person’ a change of environment isn’t really going to change that, and if I’m that depressed over it, there’s a much bigger problem that moving out won’t fix.

I also realized just how much I’d miss my pretty blue bedroom if I moved. LOL

I’ve been running so much for the past few weeks that today I decided just to sort of hang back and relax. I actually wound up being more active than I wanted to be, but that’s OK. I thought it was time for a break though- having a life is great, but it’s easy to burn yourself out when you don’t slow down.

I’m so happy to have my creative urges back that I could…create something! LOL

Of course I remembered to wear that sun/rose pendant that I keep on Brighid’s altar specifically for my shifts.

 

Online Housekeeping

I almost missed this shift because I forgot there are only 28 days in  February, lol.

I have too many blogs. Two of them (Earth and Fire and Love, Hope and Life) were started and maintained for a while with good intentions, but I lacked inspiration and they fell by the wayside. I hadn’t updated them in forever and thought, well they’re just sitting there, it’s far easier (and better IMO) to have everything  in the same place. So I spent today moving all of the posts from Earth and Fire and Love, Hope and Life into Tranquil Mayhem.

I also trashed Decaf Diary as it was a chore to me and not very interesting to anyone else, judging by my stats.

I spent this afternoon making two new skins for my forum as well.

So that was today- cleaning up my online ‘homes away from home’. I really feel like I’ve accomplished something that I’ve wanted/needed to do for a while.

On Wednesday I call the counseling center, and make an appointment. I’m so nervous about that. I know it’ll be OK, but still, I’m nervous. Brighid grant me peace.

 

Imbolc

I was keeping Her flame this weekend, an on Sunday night I got an email from Gayars, out of the blue. One thing led to another, and here she is!!! So our little group here has a new member, yay!

Last night was the Gwyddon celebration of Brighid’s Fire. Brighid had one more surprise in store for me, and I was asked to speak Her part in the ritual! I was surprised, to say the least. *grins* It was an interesting night.

I have high hopes for this year. In a few short weeks I’ll be 21, and in a few short weeks will be one year after I got my diagnosis of GAD. I’ll be raising a glass to the fact that I’m still here, I have my health, and I have learned much. And I am eternally greatful that my best friend is still here with me, despite all that’s happened.

I’ll be raising a glass to Brighid, who held out her hand to me through the worst.

 

Creativity Reborn

This has been the first time in a long time I was actually able to keep Brighid, and Her flame, in mind for my entire shift. I usually forget halfway through, and don’t accomplish what I set out to.

During the past couple of weeks I’ve started on various craft projects again, and recently, I’ve decided that I want to learn to draw Anime style. This is the first time in a year I’ve actually been excited and motivated about my artwork, so today I did a couple of rough figure sketches, just basic poses. They’re far from perfect, but not too bad. The idea was to draw different views and try to get the anatomy and proportions right (I have a lot of difficulty with proportions.) I was finding out what worked and what didn’t.

I didn’t do as many sketches as I would have, because I ended up going shopping with my Gram. So I got some family time in there too. I got a new mattress pad for my bed; hopefully that will make it easier for me to sleep without waking up in pain, yay? lol I had some tea and sticky bun with my Gram and then came home.

My mom gifted me with a beautiful silver sun pendant with flowers in it, and I wore that as a reminder. I think I’ll do that every shift from now on.

 

Learning About Myself

Today I’m spending much of the day sending off my Gwyddon coursework and talking on the Gwyddon board. I also dusted off Brighid’s shrine and I’m doing something I haven’t done in a long time: keeping a candle burning for Her all day.

I haven’t done anything creative in a long time, really since that last picture I posted here. I have two new digital art programs that I haven’t done any work with, and I really should try them out. Or maybe I’ll get out my pencils and see what happens.

I think I’ll read a bit. I’ve been meaning to finish this book on my Tarot deck and I haven’t gotten around to it. I really must get back to my reading! Today seems like a good day for study.

I’ve spent the past several months really learning about myself and learning to accept myself. I’ve been continuing that journey and I intend to continue continuing it. I am finding far more joy in learning about my own self than I ever thought I would.

 

Back in Her service

Tonight I lit incense and a candle specifically for Brighid for the first time in months.

I got a new belly ring and I wanted to do something special with it. I wanted to get rid of the one I had been wearing, or at least, it needs a very good cleaning out before wearing it ever again! (It’s been with me through a lot of crappy history) and as I wanted to ‘program’ my new rose quartz jewelery to conduct strong/comforting energy, I thought asking Brighid for help was a good idea.

It also happened to be perfect timeing considering the other things that have been going on in my life.

Brighid asked me if I would keep Her flame again. First Sunday of every month. I agreed.

I (as best I could) offerred the old barbell up to Her fire for cleansing. (I held each end of the barbell in the flame until it turned black, then laid the whole thing in the bowl with the candle.)

(yea there's a nasty surgery scar there too)

 

Flamekeeping In the Park

It seems that nearly every shift finds me outside, at one point or another. Today’s shift is no exception: it’s beautiful and after I shower, I will probably meander to a park and read or crochet.

Last shift, I wrote some poetry for the first time in a long time–a welcome pastime, particularly as my emotional and mental state has not been too conducive to creativity lately. It felt wonderful to be sitting there in the cool of the morning, watching people stroll and loll on the grass, the sunshine on my face, the shade of the tree on my back, the presence and companionship of Brighid, and her Flame, in my heart, and these poems coming from my pen.

 

 

Moving On

This past shift has been spent sorting out priorities, and clearing out influences in my life that I no longer need or want. I had an in-depth talk with Brighid about my work with the Cill, and with the forum on which it is hosted. For various reasons that I won’t get into here, I found it necessary to leave TC…which means I am out of the Cill too.

I’m not going to stop my work with Brighid, and I’m not closing this blog down either, but the focus is shifting slightly. I am going to open this up to some others who may be interested. I toyed with the idea of starting my own Cill, but I just don’t have the time or energy right now for that sort of commitment.

I have found that clearing some of the stuff out of my life that I just don’t have it in me to deal with right now has been an intense, but very healing experience. It frees me up for more important things, for one thing. I left behind a lot that I cared about, but I feel it was the right choice and I stand by my decision. I can devote the energy that I would have spent there to my studies, to various personal projects that have lain neglected for far too long.